Aswell as creating two different endings because i couldn't decided which of the versions i liked better.
Rough cut 1 with ending without the jock character.
Feedback below,
Feedback below
Overall feedback
- Merge both of the ending together.
- Get rid of the shots right at the start of the mise en scene.
- The original was much better then the recent rough cut.
- Get rid of the shot of edwin picking up his shoe from dog basket.
- Cut the shot of Hepburn at the start.
- Change the title on the fridge.
- Make the dream state more "dreamy".
looking at the 1st version: concerned by length! Lose the 'bloody dog' bit for one!
ReplyDeleteThere are some repeats of action - eg both switch off alarms; the idea is that you snappily crosscut between the 2 effectively as match-on-actions; each finishing off the other's action. So avoid these. Lot of hiss on the sound.
Really liked the title on t-shirt; the bits of paper don't impress as much - still time to think of more spectacular means (I suggest a swift look at Napoleon Dynamite opening for one idea) - eg use a DVD sleeve, poster, as featured in early shots? A label on clothing (both go into drawers/cupboards for clothes); label on food/drink instead of fridge door? Partially comes down to Photoshop skills, but also you could be using items to spell out names/roles
I see from your post mention of a dream part - don't think thats clear; wouldn't have read that into the text.
There are a few egs when there's a slight delay at start of a shot before the action; make this really zippy and cut out these little bits. Also the odd opening of door by girl - again, needs sharper cutting so that one shot feeds instantly into the other
V2: much better ending. Make more of it tho - every shot of her could be slo-mo, maybe heartbeat effect and poss even crosscut to ever more CU of boy? Music key here. Look at the edit: you've kept in her pause before she starts walking. This could really do with greater shot variation, a critical scene. I wouldn't show Joel behind him, just the bumping shot and onwards. It looks like the 2shots early in this and the sep shots are filmed from different gaps apart?
Final few shots jump a bit - better not to keep with 3-shots; give us shots of the couple and reaction shots then of the distraught boy
One longer shot of him sliding down? Maybe to end, bell goes and lots of people appear round him - could even be sped up with a simple voiceover eg 'thats [girl name], love of my life. despite all the evidence to the contrary, i have to believe i have a chance...' (could end then with series of ever longer-shots: from through p-16 window, to down drive to outside school etc